Holiday Season Highlights

Well, I was going to do a long rant about how Christmas™ has become an irrecoverable waste, and how we really should just bag it and look forward to President's Day already, but everybody knows that, and yet nothing is ever done about it, so would it really make any difference? Anyway, here are some pictures of cheesy things that you could find in Scranton's famous vibrating mall over the holiday season. Besides highly dubious architecture, of course. First, we have the Bear™:



This is a giant talking bear that sits outside the entrance to the food court every holiday season. The problem is, they never actually bother to fix the thing up when they pull it out of storage in November. As a result, its mouth doesn't really move so much as quiver, and, as you can see, its eyes no longer blink in unison. 'Tis a sorry sight, and it is quickly getting to the point where the kiddies are going to be even more scared of this monstrosity than they are of the mannequins over at B Moss, which have small christmas trees impaled on the severed, lonely stumps that are their necks. I would have taken a picture of these, but thanks to the glare in the window, that would have involved actually going into the store, and judging by the cruel, inhumane treatment of poor, defenseless mannequins, one can only assume that it belongs to a primitive tribe of barbarians. Lord only knows how such savages would react to a Penn Jillette lookalike, dressed in the latest 1980's fashion, walking into their territory with a civilized creation such as a camera. It would be like Ferdinand Magellan all over again.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, what is it with the headless mannequins these days? Out of all the stores in the mall, only Boscov's still has mannequins with heads on them, and it seems that even they are starting to phase them out. That's probably a good thing considering the mannequin below, which seems to be posed in a very suggestive way. I have no idea exactly what it's suggesting, but surely there has to be a fetish website out there somewhere filled with pictures just like this one:



And of course, while we're in Boscov's, the great K-Mart that wants to be Bloomingdale's, we can't forget to mention their fine holiday slogan:



On that note, everybody (all two of you who are reading this) have a jolly Ramadan, and a happy new arbitrary chronological period. "B" Merry! Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! HA!

What's wrong with this picture?

From this weeks Best Buy ad:



Yes, I know it's pointless, and it's probably happened thousands of times before, but I have a 10-page paper that I need to get done for Tuesday, so there you go. Luckily, some graphic designer was so excited about getting a picture of his kid into a circular for a national electronics chain that he got his operating systems crossed up. Otherwise, I would have had to bring out the Internet Landfill Dancers for this week's update, and believe me, nobody wants to see that.

In other news: my car, the infamous Screaming Kiwi of the Apocolypse™, lost a hubcap the other day. I was driving along aimlessly, as usual, when suddenly I heard this "Whump! Whump! Whump! BANG!" noise. I looked in the mirror, and saw my hubcap literally flying over the street. I went back and, after a little searching, managed to find about three fourths of it. I still have no idea how the hell that happened. Anybody out there have any ideas? Oh, wait, that's right, nobody reads this. But just in case a few people happen to stumble upon this page, go post your theories about what happened to my hubcap in the comments. The best one wins a FREE copy of the University of Scranton Mission Statement! Operators are standing by, so act now!

Next week: John Goodman, Eric Estrada, and the music of Dido. Okay, maybe not, although I may be able to get Dido. She's on Kilborn practically every other day, so why not?

Even More Lame Car Stuff

Being hopelessly stuck in Scranton, Pennsylvania for the time being, I tend to have a tremendous amount of free time on my hands. (No, really?) Indeed. Nothing whatsoever has happened in this town since that banana truck crashed, which I think was about 40 years ago. The entire city is nothing more than a series of small bars and large churches, with Italian restaurants and double-block houses thrown in occasionally to mix things up a little. As you can imagine, this is a rather lousy place to live for a non-drinker who doesn't believe in organized religion. Thankfully I at least enjoy Italian food and live in a double-block house, otherwise I probably would have flung myself from the steeple of St. Luke's Episcopal by now. Don't even get me started on the lame concert schedule. (I don't like Lynard Skynard or Elton John already, so stop booking them every damn month!)

Anyway, quite a bit of this free time happens to fall between my classes, in increments too small to leave the vicinity of campus, but too large to do anything on campus, as the only two things that a commuting student can do at the University of Scranton are either eating or studying, and I don't think I've needed to study for anything since 10th grade. So during this time, I usually end up just walking around Downtown (Ha!) Scranton aimlessly, searching desperately for anything that is even remotely amusing or interest...

Schumin Alarm: *BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!*

Bah, I knew that was going to happen. Anyway, here are a couple more odd cars that I've spotted in these travels to nowhere, in addition to the PenguinMobile and the HoagieMobile:

First off, we have this little dandy:



So here, not only do we have the old front bumper held on by duct tape trick, but for some strange reason there is also an audio/video cable taped into the mess. I'd like to know just what the hell the reasoning was behind that one. It's obviously not supporting anything. Maybe they plug a DVD player into it and watch movies, which are somehow projected onto the road via the headlights. A safe way to drive, I'm sure.

And then, there's this:



Uhh... yeah. It's a minivan... with a spoiler... Not much that needs to be said here, really. In fact, I think it would be best if we just mercifully ended the whole thing here. There can't possibly be a way to top this.

Next week: College Roomies From Hell!!!'s own Maritza Campos drops by to give an enlightening lecture on the post-WWII reconstruction of Japan and its relation to the size of Brett Somers' sunglasses through the years! Don't miss it! Even though you will, since it's not going to happen!

AAAARRRRRRRGH!, Part II

A local radio station left a three-minute long message on my answering machine the other day. Apparently, they've been suffering from a bout of low ratings recently, and are now pulling out the desperation attempts. I predict that they will switch over to the all-"Louie Louie" format any day now, actually. So here, for your viewing enjoyment, is a transcript of the entire message, complete with commentary. Since I obviously don't want to advertise these idiots, I've changed all references to the name of the station in question to "KRAP". This name fits it perfectly, since that's all they play.

Answering Machine: *Click!* *Whirrrrrr...*

Jeff: Hi, wassup, this is Jeff.

Justin: I'm Justin.

Drew: I'm Drew.

Nick: I'm Nick.

Jeff: Hey, wassup, we're...

All: 98 Degrees!

(Because we all know that there's no better way to advertise a radio station than by having a boy band whose career ended two years ago spam answering machines across the region. Also, why is it that nobody in a boy band has ever had a last name since New Kids On The Block went belly-up? I mean, yeah, nobody cares enough about these people anyway, but still...)

Jeff: And since you're hanging out in (Struggling to read it...) Lackawanna County, we want you to do us a huge favor. We want you to listen to KRAP on XX.X and now on YY.Y. You know, it's Northeast PA's #1 Hit Music Station®. In fact, right now, KRAP is playing the most Hit™ Music for you in Lackawanna County, with 10 in a row!

(Sure, they play crappy music, but they play it in ten-song blocks, by God! How can that possibly be bad?)

Jeff: So go ahead, Lackawanna County, make the switch to KRAP on XX.X and YY.Y KRAP. Plus, don't forget to check out our good friends...

All: MUMBLEMUMBLE! And the KRAP Morning Crew©!

AJ: Thanks, guys. It's Jen and AJ from the KRAP Morning Crew© and we just want to thank you for checking us out on weekday mornings on XX.X and now on YY.Y, KRAP

(But I *didn't* check you out!)

Jen: As we begin to rebuild our Great Nation™...

(Oh yeah, as if this whole concept couldn't possibly get any cheesier, let's take advantage of the attacks for an advertising angle! Way to go, elite marketing squadrons!)

Jen: ...we want to let you know that we're going to be there for you, every step of the way.

(...Doing absolutely nothing.)

AJ: So go ahead, make the switch. Turn on XX.X and YY.Y KRAP and you'll always get ten in a row.

Jen: That's the most Hit™ Music for all of Northeast PA

(And thank God that we don't have any more than that.)

AJ: Plus, you'll always get the best concert tickets from the...

(With the acts we get in this area, the best ticket you can get is for a place somewhere far, far away from the actual concert.)

Answering Machine: BEEEEEEP! CLICK! WHIRRRRRRRR!

Machine, I have never been happier to hear that sound in my life. I feel like listening to KRZ now, just out of spite. *Tunes radio to KRZ*

*Instinctively picks up radio and flings it out the window*

Okay, maybe not.

Next week: WNEP meteorologist Joe Snedeker and MegaTokyo's Dom battle it out in a bloody stick figure fight to the death! Or maybe not...

And now, as promised last week, here's what I ate for breakfast:



AAAARRRRRRRGH!, Part I

Only in Scranton, Part II

This week: Advertising in Scranton
In other towns, deli operators might advertise their businesses by leaving menus under the windshield wipers of cars parked in the area.



Here, they leave free samples.

While we're on the subject of advertising, here's one of many great signs made by the friendly people at the Crystal Candy & Nut Shop. Remember: if you ever find yourself on Pittston Ave. in Scranton, drop by and pick up some Pistachios! They're right next to the cemetary (which, in this town, is about as prime a location as you can get these days).



Yes, they do take these signs in at night.

Next week: What I ate for breakfast!