Saturday, October 27, 2001


A local radio station left a three-minute long message on my answering machine the other day. Apparently, they've been suffering from a bout of low ratings recently, and are now pulling out the desperation attempts. I predict that they will switch over to the all-"Louie Louie" format any day now, actually. So here, for your viewing enjoyment, is a transcript of the entire message, complete with commentary. Since I obviously don't want to advertise these idiots, I've changed all references to the name of the station in question to "KRAP". This name fits it perfectly, since that's all they play.

Answering Machine: *Click!* *Whirrrrrr...*

Jeff: Hi, wassup, this is Jeff.

Justin: I'm Justin.

Drew: I'm Drew.

Nick: I'm Nick.

Jeff: Hey, wassup, we're...

All: 98 Degrees!

(Because we all know that there's no better way to advertise a radio station than by having a boy band whose career ended two years ago spam answering machines across the region. Also, why is it that nobody in a boy band has ever had a last name since New Kids On The Block went belly-up? I mean, yeah, nobody cares enough about these people anyway, but still...)

Jeff: And since you're hanging out in (Struggling to read it...) Lackawanna County, we want you to do us a huge favor. We want you to listen to KRAP on XX.X and now on YY.Y. You know, it's Northeast PA's #1 Hit Music Station®. In fact, right now, KRAP is playing the most Hit™ Music for you in Lackawanna County, with 10 in a row!

(Sure, they play crappy music, but they play it in ten-song blocks, by God! How can that possibly be bad?)

Jeff: So go ahead, Lackawanna County, make the switch to KRAP on XX.X and YY.Y KRAP. Plus, don't forget to check out our good friends...

All: MUMBLEMUMBLE! And the KRAP Morning Crew©!

AJ: Thanks, guys. It's Jen and AJ from the KRAP Morning Crew© and we just want to thank you for checking us out on weekday mornings on XX.X and now on YY.Y, KRAP

(But I *didn't* check you out!)

Jen: As we begin to rebuild our Great Nation™...

(Oh yeah, as if this whole concept couldn't possibly get any cheesier, let's take advantage of the attacks for an advertising angle! Way to go, elite marketing squadrons!)

Jen: ...we want to let you know that we're going to be there for you, every step of the way.

(...Doing absolutely nothing.)

AJ: So go ahead, make the switch. Turn on XX.X and YY.Y KRAP and you'll always get ten in a row.

Jen: That's the most Hit™ Music for all of Northeast PA

(And thank God that we don't have any more than that.)

AJ: Plus, you'll always get the best concert tickets from the...

(With the acts we get in this area, the best ticket you can get is for a place somewhere far, far away from the actual concert.)


Machine, I have never been happier to hear that sound in my life. I feel like listening to KRZ now, just out of spite. *Tunes radio to KRZ*

*Instinctively picks up radio and flings it out the window*

Okay, maybe not.

Next week: WNEP meteorologist Joe Snedeker and MegaTokyo's Dom battle it out in a bloody stick figure fight to the death! Or maybe not...

And now, as promised last week, here's what I ate for breakfast:


Wednesday, October 17, 2001

Only in Scranton, Part II

This week: Advertising in Scranton
In other towns, deli operators might advertise their businesses by leaving menus under the windshield wipers of cars parked in the area.


Here, they leave free samples.

While we're on the subject of advertising, here's one of many great signs made by the friendly people at the Crystal Candy & Nut Shop. Remember: if you ever find yourself on Pittston Ave. in Scranton, drop by and pick up some Pistachios! They're right next to the cemetary (which, in this town, is about as prime a location as you can get these days).


Yes, they do take these signs in at night.

Next week: What I ate for breakfast!

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

Only in Scranton, Part I

What's the best way to show your undying support for your favorite team? Paint their logo on the hood of a beat up '85 Plymouth Horizon, of course!

All hail the PenguinMobile(TM)!

You know what the saddest part of this is? It probably doubled the price of the car. Although it was probably worth about $65 before, so I guess it's not really that big a deal.

Next week: How to advertise in Scranton! Be there! Or not! See if I care!