Tuesday, December 25, 2001

Holiday Season Highlights

Well, I was going to do a long rant about how Christmas™ has become an irrecoverable waste, and how we really should just bag it and look forward to President's Day already, but everybody knows that, and yet nothing is ever done about it, so would it really make any difference? Anyway, here are some pictures of cheesy things that you could find in Scranton's famous vibrating mall over the holiday season. Besides highly dubious architecture, of course. First, we have the Bear™:

One-eyed bear

This is a giant talking bear that sits outside the entrance to the food court every holiday season. The problem is, they never actually bother to fix the thing up when they pull it out of storage in November. As a result, its mouth doesn't really move so much as quiver, and, as you can see, its eyes no longer blink in unison. 'Tis a sorry sight, and it is quickly getting to the point where the kiddies are going to be even more scared of this monstrosity than they are of the mannequins over at B Moss, which have small christmas trees impaled on the severed, lonely stumps that are their necks. I would have taken a picture of these, but thanks to the glare in the window, that would have involved actually going into the store, and judging by the cruel, inhumane treatment of poor, defenseless mannequins, one can only assume that it belongs to a primitive tribe of barbarians. Lord only knows how such savages would react to a Penn Jillette lookalike, dressed in the latest 1980's fashion, walking into their territory with a civilized creation such as a camera. It would be like Ferdinand Magellan all over again.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, what is it with the headless mannequins these days? Out of all the stores in the mall, only Boscov's still has mannequins with heads on them, and it seems that even they are starting to phase them out. That's probably a good thing considering the mannequin below, which seems to be posed in a very suggestive way. I have no idea exactly what it's suggesting, but surely there has to be a fetish website out there somewhere filled with pictures just like this one:

Awkward mannequin/bow positioning

And of course, while we're in Boscov's, the great K-Mart that wants to be Bloomingdale's, we can't forget to mention their fine holiday slogan:

B Merry!

On that note, everybody (all two of you who are reading this) have a jolly Ramadan, and a happy new arbitrary chronological period. "B" Merry! Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! HA!