"Hi, do you have $100?"

Yes, some girl actually asked me this the other day. I don't know what she expected; I'm a college student, I'm just as broke as she is. And what little money I did have, I had already spent on food and cartoons. So obviously, I didn't have $100 on me at the time. Okay, so then she asks me if I have $50. The answer is still no.

"Do you have any money at all?"

"Uhh... I think I have a quarter here somewhere..."

I did end up giving her a quarter, actually. And I'm sure it was for a good cause. Assuming, of course, that a drug dealer from New Jersey qualifies as a "good cause". But this brings up a good point: as I type this, there are literally millions of broke college students across America who are jonesing for their daily dose of pot/crack/Dayquil/whatever. In addition to asking random people on the street for large sums of money, they have resorted to such things as smoking University landscaping and sniffing public restroom toilets in an attempt to get a cheap high. These kids desperately need our support, folks. That's why I'm proud to announce the Stoners Across America Telethon 2001!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, we're hoping to raise enough money in the next three days to keep collegiate potheads all over the country stoned out of their gourds for the remainder of the school year! So call now, or else we'll bring Jerry Lewis out here. You don't want to see him again, do you? Especially now that that the MDA telethon just ended. You won't believe how totally smashed he gets after...

*Loud crash heard in background*

Dammit, Jerry, get out of that golf cart!

Jerry Lewis: You'll never walk aloooooooooone, nice LAAAAAAAAAADIEEEEEEE! *VROOOOOOOOOOMSKREEEEEEEEEEEECRASH!*

You really don't want to see this, folks. So donate something; you've been warned...

(718) 387-6962

Incidentally, "Hi, do you have $100?" tops "Hi, would you like a story?" as the worst pickup line I've ever heard. It's too bad that I never actually think to say that to them when it happens. Oh well...