Holiday Season Highlights

Well, I was going to do a long rant about how Christmas™ has become an irrecoverable waste, and how we really should just bag it and look forward to President's Day already, but everybody knows that, and yet nothing is ever done about it, so would it really make any difference? Anyway, here are some pictures of cheesy things that you could find in Scranton's famous vibrating mall over the holiday season. Besides highly dubious architecture, of course. First, we have the Bear™:



This is a giant talking bear that sits outside the entrance to the food court every holiday season. The problem is, they never actually bother to fix the thing up when they pull it out of storage in November. As a result, its mouth doesn't really move so much as quiver, and, as you can see, its eyes no longer blink in unison. 'Tis a sorry sight, and it is quickly getting to the point where the kiddies are going to be even more scared of this monstrosity than they are of the mannequins over at B Moss, which have small christmas trees impaled on the severed, lonely stumps that are their necks. I would have taken a picture of these, but thanks to the glare in the window, that would have involved actually going into the store, and judging by the cruel, inhumane treatment of poor, defenseless mannequins, one can only assume that it belongs to a primitive tribe of barbarians. Lord only knows how such savages would react to a Penn Jillette lookalike, dressed in the latest 1980's fashion, walking into their territory with a civilized creation such as a camera. It would be like Ferdinand Magellan all over again.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, what is it with the headless mannequins these days? Out of all the stores in the mall, only Boscov's still has mannequins with heads on them, and it seems that even they are starting to phase them out. That's probably a good thing considering the mannequin below, which seems to be posed in a very suggestive way. I have no idea exactly what it's suggesting, but surely there has to be a fetish website out there somewhere filled with pictures just like this one:



And of course, while we're in Boscov's, the great K-Mart that wants to be Bloomingdale's, we can't forget to mention their fine holiday slogan:



On that note, everybody (all two of you who are reading this) have a jolly Ramadan, and a happy new arbitrary chronological period. "B" Merry! Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! HA!

What's wrong with this picture?

From this weeks Best Buy ad:



Yes, I know it's pointless, and it's probably happened thousands of times before, but I have a 10-page paper that I need to get done for Tuesday, so there you go. Luckily, some graphic designer was so excited about getting a picture of his kid into a circular for a national electronics chain that he got his operating systems crossed up. Otherwise, I would have had to bring out the Internet Landfill Dancers for this week's update, and believe me, nobody wants to see that.

In other news: my car, the infamous Screaming Kiwi of the Apocolypse™, lost a hubcap the other day. I was driving along aimlessly, as usual, when suddenly I heard this "Whump! Whump! Whump! BANG!" noise. I looked in the mirror, and saw my hubcap literally flying over the street. I went back and, after a little searching, managed to find about three fourths of it. I still have no idea how the hell that happened. Anybody out there have any ideas? Oh, wait, that's right, nobody reads this. But just in case a few people happen to stumble upon this page, go post your theories about what happened to my hubcap in the comments. The best one wins a FREE copy of the University of Scranton Mission Statement! Operators are standing by, so act now!

Next week: John Goodman, Eric Estrada, and the music of Dido. Okay, maybe not, although I may be able to get Dido. She's on Kilborn practically every other day, so why not?

Even More Lame Car Stuff

Being hopelessly stuck in Scranton, Pennsylvania for the time being, I tend to have a tremendous amount of free time on my hands. (No, really?) Indeed. Nothing whatsoever has happened in this town since that banana truck crashed, which I think was about 40 years ago. The entire city is nothing more than a series of small bars and large churches, with Italian restaurants and double-block houses thrown in occasionally to mix things up a little. As you can imagine, this is a rather lousy place to live for a non-drinker who doesn't believe in organized religion. Thankfully I at least enjoy Italian food and live in a double-block house, otherwise I probably would have flung myself from the steeple of St. Luke's Episcopal by now. Don't even get me started on the lame concert schedule. (I don't like Lynard Skynard or Elton John already, so stop booking them every damn month!)

Anyway, quite a bit of this free time happens to fall between my classes, in increments too small to leave the vicinity of campus, but too large to do anything on campus, as the only two things that a commuting student can do at the University of Scranton are either eating or studying, and I don't think I've needed to study for anything since 10th grade. So during this time, I usually end up just walking around Downtown (Ha!) Scranton aimlessly, searching desperately for anything that is even remotely amusing or interest...

Schumin Alarm: *BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!*

Bah, I knew that was going to happen. Anyway, here are a couple more odd cars that I've spotted in these travels to nowhere, in addition to the PenguinMobile and the HoagieMobile:

First off, we have this little dandy:



So here, not only do we have the old front bumper held on by duct tape trick, but for some strange reason there is also an audio/video cable taped into the mess. I'd like to know just what the hell the reasoning was behind that one. It's obviously not supporting anything. Maybe they plug a DVD player into it and watch movies, which are somehow projected onto the road via the headlights. A safe way to drive, I'm sure.

And then, there's this:



Uhh... yeah. It's a minivan... with a spoiler... Not much that needs to be said here, really. In fact, I think it would be best if we just mercifully ended the whole thing here. There can't possibly be a way to top this.

Next week: College Roomies From Hell!!!'s own Maritza Campos drops by to give an enlightening lecture on the post-WWII reconstruction of Japan and its relation to the size of Brett Somers' sunglasses through the years! Don't miss it! Even though you will, since it's not going to happen!

AAAARRRRRRRGH!, Part II

A local radio station left a three-minute long message on my answering machine the other day. Apparently, they've been suffering from a bout of low ratings recently, and are now pulling out the desperation attempts. I predict that they will switch over to the all-"Louie Louie" format any day now, actually. So here, for your viewing enjoyment, is a transcript of the entire message, complete with commentary. Since I obviously don't want to advertise these idiots, I've changed all references to the name of the station in question to "KRAP". This name fits it perfectly, since that's all they play.

Answering Machine: *Click!* *Whirrrrrr...*

Jeff: Hi, wassup, this is Jeff.

Justin: I'm Justin.

Drew: I'm Drew.

Nick: I'm Nick.

Jeff: Hey, wassup, we're...

All: 98 Degrees!

(Because we all know that there's no better way to advertise a radio station than by having a boy band whose career ended two years ago spam answering machines across the region. Also, why is it that nobody in a boy band has ever had a last name since New Kids On The Block went belly-up? I mean, yeah, nobody cares enough about these people anyway, but still...)

Jeff: And since you're hanging out in (Struggling to read it...) Lackawanna County, we want you to do us a huge favor. We want you to listen to KRAP on XX.X and now on YY.Y. You know, it's Northeast PA's #1 Hit Music Station®. In fact, right now, KRAP is playing the most Hit™ Music for you in Lackawanna County, with 10 in a row!

(Sure, they play crappy music, but they play it in ten-song blocks, by God! How can that possibly be bad?)

Jeff: So go ahead, Lackawanna County, make the switch to KRAP on XX.X and YY.Y KRAP. Plus, don't forget to check out our good friends...

All: MUMBLEMUMBLE! And the KRAP Morning Crew©!

AJ: Thanks, guys. It's Jen and AJ from the KRAP Morning Crew© and we just want to thank you for checking us out on weekday mornings on XX.X and now on YY.Y, KRAP

(But I *didn't* check you out!)

Jen: As we begin to rebuild our Great Nation™...

(Oh yeah, as if this whole concept couldn't possibly get any cheesier, let's take advantage of the attacks for an advertising angle! Way to go, elite marketing squadrons!)

Jen: ...we want to let you know that we're going to be there for you, every step of the way.

(...Doing absolutely nothing.)

AJ: So go ahead, make the switch. Turn on XX.X and YY.Y KRAP and you'll always get ten in a row.

Jen: That's the most Hit™ Music for all of Northeast PA

(And thank God that we don't have any more than that.)

AJ: Plus, you'll always get the best concert tickets from the...

(With the acts we get in this area, the best ticket you can get is for a place somewhere far, far away from the actual concert.)

Answering Machine: BEEEEEEP! CLICK! WHIRRRRRRRR!

Machine, I have never been happier to hear that sound in my life. I feel like listening to KRZ now, just out of spite. *Tunes radio to KRZ*

*Instinctively picks up radio and flings it out the window*

Okay, maybe not.

Next week: WNEP meteorologist Joe Snedeker and MegaTokyo's Dom battle it out in a bloody stick figure fight to the death! Or maybe not...

And now, as promised last week, here's what I ate for breakfast:



AAAARRRRRRRGH!, Part I

Only in Scranton, Part II

This week: Advertising in Scranton
In other towns, deli operators might advertise their businesses by leaving menus under the windshield wipers of cars parked in the area.



Here, they leave free samples.

While we're on the subject of advertising, here's one of many great signs made by the friendly people at the Crystal Candy & Nut Shop. Remember: if you ever find yourself on Pittston Ave. in Scranton, drop by and pick up some Pistachios! They're right next to the cemetary (which, in this town, is about as prime a location as you can get these days).



Yes, they do take these signs in at night.

Next week: What I ate for breakfast!

Only in Scranton, Part I

What's the best way to show your undying support for your favorite team? Paint their logo on the hood of a beat up '85 Plymouth Horizon, of course!

You know what the saddest part of this is? It probably doubled the price of the car. Although it was probably worth about $65 before, so I guess it's not really that big a deal.

Next week: How to advertise in Scranton! Be there! Or not! See if I care!

Oh yeah, we're really grasping for updates now.

Well, it's finally happened. I've gotten so bored, so desperate for something, anything to do, that I'm actually going to write a post listing the contents of my desk. I frankly never thought that it would ever really come to this, but here it is, so you might as well enjoy. Just be thankful that this hasn't degraded into Ben Schumin's site yet. That will probably be the next update. Anyway, first off, we have my main computer desk:

Oh yeah, it's a mess. As you can see, the fire marshall is going to run in here any day now and shut down this whole operation. Anyway, starting from the left, you have the ever-present Far Side calendar, an empty Pepsi can, then a huge pile of junk, including:

• A microphone
  
• Two McDonald's coupon books
  
• A TV/VCR remote
  
• A DVD remote
  
• Napkins, napkins, napkins
  
• Several thousand manuals and driver disks strewn about randomly.
  
• A bunch of junk mail envelopes from such fine institutions as the University of Scranton, various credit card companies, and Suncoast, the official overpriced video store of the Internet Landfill
  
• About $20 in rolled change that keeps rolling off the desk onto the keyboard while I'm trying to typjhkj7uyku
  
• Battery pot luck
  
• And finally, somewhere behind that pile is a Zip drive, as well as the key to everlasting youth.
  

In front of that, I have a pair of headphones hooked directly into the soundcard, because my computer's speakers absolutely suck. To the right of that, there's a cheap souvenir thermometer from Florida that's about 20 degrees off at all times. Then there's a stack of CD-R discs that I can't use because my burner is dead. On top of that, we have a bunch of Zip and floppy disks. Next to that we have a couple storage boxes, containing even more Zip disks, and an ethernet hub. Other things to note:

• That yellow box of Pepto-Bismol tablets above the microphone. Expiration date: September 1996.
  
• Yes, that is the floating, disembodied head of David Byrne, and no, he's not happy to see you.
  
• One of the CD's in that shelf on the left is the soundtrack to the first Flintstones movie. I believe I'm the last person in the world who actually owns a copy of that.
  
• I'm not going to even get started on that huge mass of papertude in between the CD's there, so don't even ask.
  
• Why do I have two mice? The one on the right is for my other computer. And look, here's that other computer now! (Yow! Somebody give me an award for that segue!)
  

Uhh... yeah. Well, there's a dollar bill on top of the computer there, I think that's been there since 1997, and... uhh... a keyboard. Yeah, that's it, a keyboard. Oh, and napkins, lots and lots of napkins. Napkins napkins napkins...


*BLAM!*

We get letters

And now, I'm going to answer some of the feedback I've gotten from people just like you over the last 3 years. Actually, I'm going to answer most of it. It's pretty hard not to, since only 8 people ever bothered to send anything. In fact, the feedback file contains more "script test" entries from myself than it does actual feedback. Sad, really. Anyway, on to the first message, from "meow.":

meow.

meow. meow meow meow. meow meow, meow meow meow? meow, meow meow. *sigh*

I'll let University of Scranton President Fr. Joseph McShane, S.J. handle this one. Fr. McShane?


Thank you, Fr. McShane. Our next letter comes from jerry. He writes:

It was great to see the Casey still stands; they've only had nearly 20 years to figure out what to do with it!

I attended the University of Scranton in 1984 and hoped to be able to see the inside of that buidling before it fell. Unfortunately, the city did not find the need to preserve it the way they did with the Scranton Dry Good building, which was empty but fully heated the last time I saw it.

I got this one back in 2000, when the Hotel Casey was indeed still standing. Unfortunately, it was demolished earlier this year to make way for a large hole in the ground:



Right now, they're in the process of building a brand new hotel and conference center across the street from the former site of the Casey. I don't know why. Who the hell would want to have a conference in Scranton, anyway? I'd say something about how the loss of the Casey is a very bad thing for the city, but Peter Hocking already handled that topic in the June 4 entry of his weblog thingamiwhoozit (No longer online. If you wanted to see it, too bad.). As for the Scranton Dry Good building, I think Scranton Prep bought it and is planning to tear that down, too. That might be another building I'm thinking of, though.

By the way, if you're interested in what the inside of the Hotel Casey looked like, you can check out this site, which contains many illegally-obtained photos. Trespassing: W00t! This has been a message from the National Trespassing Bureau.

(Oct 29, 2001 update: Unfortunately, this site appears to have vanished from the face of the Internet. If anybody knows of a new location or even has the pictures from it sitting on their harddrive someplace, please let me know. For those of you who are still wondering what the Casey looked like inside before it was torn down: take what's left of the Titanic, remove most of the water, and replace the fish with pigeons. For those of you who are wondering about what the Casey looked like inside after it was torn down: you *really* need to get out more.)

Our next letter, from Erica:

Um, I realize that I am a big loser for actually writing and the fact that I am from Scranton, PA; but I was looking at your ScrantonCam and the picture that is supposedly taken from the 6th floor of the Casey Hotel had some, I believe they were, Cacti? Now, as many people realize, Scranton is in the North Eastern section of the US where I really dont think that there are any cacti. I just thought I would tell you. Yes, you can rant and rave all you want because some chick from Scranton corrected your site but I am really friggen bored and this took about 10 minutes of my pathetically anal life to complete so thankyou for filling my life with wonderfful things to complain about. Okay...I am going now.

You... Nah, it's too easy. Next!

The UK's very own raziele chimes in with the following:

wot s this site about please send me death threats so I can send them around

Okay, so this person apparently found my feedback page while doing a search for "death threats". I don't know why, but for some reason I find the thought of somebody saying that with an English accent absolutely hilarious. Then again, I live in Scranton. You almost have to be easily amused in this town. Anybody who lives here will know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, anybody who isn't named Erica, anyway.

So that's it for the feedback. I'd answer more, but that would mean that I'd have to get more first. So send something. Please. And Be sure to tune in next time, when I'll don a skimpy Sailormoon costume and juggle morningstars with my nose while singing Oops, I Did It Again. Or maybe not...

"Hi, do you have $100?"

Yes, some girl actually asked me this the other day. I don't know what she expected; I'm a college student, I'm just as broke as she is. And what little money I did have, I had already spent on food and cartoons. So obviously, I didn't have $100 on me at the time. Okay, so then she asks me if I have $50. The answer is still no.

"Do you have any money at all?"

"Uhh... I think I have a quarter here somewhere..."

I did end up giving her a quarter, actually. And I'm sure it was for a good cause. Assuming, of course, that a drug dealer from New Jersey qualifies as a "good cause". But this brings up a good point: as I type this, there are literally millions of broke college students across America who are jonesing for their daily dose of pot/crack/Dayquil/whatever. In addition to asking random people on the street for large sums of money, they have resorted to such things as smoking University landscaping and sniffing public restroom toilets in an attempt to get a cheap high. These kids desperately need our support, folks. That's why I'm proud to announce the Stoners Across America Telethon 2001!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, we're hoping to raise enough money in the next three days to keep collegiate potheads all over the country stoned out of their gourds for the remainder of the school year! So call now, or else we'll bring Jerry Lewis out here. You don't want to see him again, do you? Especially now that that the MDA telethon just ended. You won't believe how totally smashed he gets after...

*Loud crash heard in background*

Dammit, Jerry, get out of that golf cart!

Jerry Lewis: You'll never walk aloooooooooone, nice LAAAAAAAAAADIEEEEEEE! *VROOOOOOOOOOMSKREEEEEEEEEEEECRASH!*

You really don't want to see this, folks. So donate something; you've been warned...

(718) 387-6962

Incidentally, "Hi, do you have $100?" tops "Hi, would you like a story?" as the worst pickup line I've ever heard. It's too bad that I never actually think to say that to them when it happens. Oh well...

Hi, would you like a story?

Haven't updated this thing in a while. And why should I? It's not like anybody ever visits this thing.

Anyway, I went to this concert up at the Montage Mountain ampitheater last year. For those of you outside the Scranton area, it's basically a stage, a giant tent with a bunch of seats under it, and a lawn that has no view of the stage whatsoever, because the back of said tent comes down in front of it. It's poorly set up and gets very few acts that are actually worth seeing, especially since tickets cost about $20 more there than they do at any other venue within a 500-mile radius. Also: they serve cheeseburgers made of cardboard.

So I was at this Bob Dylan/Phil Lesh (some Grateful Dead guy) concert with Pete last year. Boy, was that an adventure. The parking lot was packed with people who for some reason can't figure out that the '60s ended 30 years ago; stoners in brightly-painted VW Buses as far as the eye can see. None of them were actually there for the concert, they just hung out in the parking lot the entire time. The few who actually did attend the show were there to see Lesh, and not Dylan; a sure sign that we should just drop the bombs on ourselves already.

We made it up to the gate, about an hour before Montage's crack security team (Motto: "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ") finally got around to opening the place. While we waited, we were approched by these two girls who, unfortunately, did not want to take us back to their respective VW buses. Instead they asked, "Hi, would you like a story?" They then proceeded to hand us these really cheesy, poorly-drawn cards that don't make any sense whatsoever. And now, for your viewing enjoyment:


Here it is! Wheeee! (Part One) (Part Two)


Pete might have the one he got up over on his site eventually, assuming he figures out where he put it. Until then, feel free to drive by his house and throw Rat Pack CD's onto his lawn.

"Hi, would you like a story?" Man, that's got to be the worst pickup line I've ever heard.

Question for the Digital Ages

Why is it that scanners absolutely, positively never work? Really? Every single time I've ever needed to scan something, I can't find a single one that works. They manage to throw error messages up the wazoo, completely lock up the system, fill the room with smoke, destroy major cities in Japan, even sing Fine Young Cannibals songs, but I have yet to actually see one successfully scan anything. Why is this? Is this some kind of evil scheme created by scanner manufacturers to drive everybody else insane so that they can take over the world and make us their slaves? Is this part of some MPAA "anti-piracy" scheme to prevent us from taking a photo of each individual frame in a movie, scanning them in, re-animating them, and sending the movies out over the Internet? ...

uhh... yeah. Anyway, I was planning to have something semi-entertaining up here, but obviously, that plan kind of fell through, so instead, please enjoy this picture of University of Scranton president Fr. Joseph McShane, S.J, singing the Meow Mix jingle:

AAAARRRRRRRGH!

For those of you who have actually visited this site more than once, all one of you, you may remember that I had a message board a while back. Then, almost a year ago, I swithced to an outside message board hosted by the fine folks at Computer Stew, which ceased to exist a few months ago. So today, I decided to bring the old board back. Mind you, this thing didn't have a single link at the internet pointed to it in almost a year, and nobody even visits this site anyway, so I was pretty suprised when I saw this message posted two months ago:

This is no joke
Posted by Sanchez on April 11, 2001 at 18:44:47:

TURN $6.00 INTO $6,000!!!
IT'S SIMPLE AND IT'S LEGAL!!!!!!!
I found this on a bulletin board and decided to try it a little while back,
I was browsing through news groups just like you are right now and came
across a article similar to this saying that you could make thousands of
dollars within weeks with only an initial investment of $6.00!!

(Rest of message omitted. What, do you actually think I'm going to promote this twit?)

Anyway, the whole thing was about three fricking pages long. Nice to see that the scum of the Internet have not only spread to message boards, but message boards that are inaccessable from anywhere on the Web. I can't wait for the day when they can just post their shit directly on the front page of every website in the world. Wheee!

Interview with a University of Scranton Student

Good evening, and welcome to Views Across America(TM Patent Pending), the show where we discuss current affairs with ordinary people just like you. I'm Edwin L. McGinty, and tonight, we have with us Mr. Nick Foogmaroon, a college Student from the University of Scranton in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Good evening, Nick.

Nick: Yo, yo, yo! Whut up, homeslice? Shout out to all my peeps back at Redington! WHOOOOOOO!

E: Uhh... yeah. Anyway, tonight we'll be discussing the ongoing tension in the Middle East. Nick, what are your thoughts on the conflict between Israel and Palestine?

N: Yo, Israel? You damn right I's real! Yo, check 'dis out, me an' Lou, we's got drunk and rolled peoples' trash cans an' sh*t down 'da hill inta traffic. You shoulda seen all 'dem cars tryin' to miss 'em. Damn, 'dat was some cool sh*t.

E: Ooooo-kay. Well, what did you think of all the recent bombings?

N: Yo, did you's see 'dat one video, where all's da people was dancin' and sh*t, and 'da floor caves in, and they's all screamin' an' sh*t? Me and Lou's was watchin' 'dat sh*t all weekend. 'Dat wus some funny sh*t.

E: Actually, that was just a structural failure, not a bo...

N: Yo, where's 'da beer?

E: Excuse me?

N: Yo, I's t'aught there's supposed to be beer at 'dese tv 'tings?

E: Uh, no, we don't have beer, sorry.

N: Yo, 'dis place sucks! I's goin' back to 'da crawl. C-ya! *Storms out of studio

E: Uhhh... okay. That's all the time we have for this week. Tune in next week, when we'll be discussing President Bush's energy plan with an Amish farmer. For Views Across America(TM Patent Pending), this is Edwin L. McGinty. Thank you, and goodnight.

Goodbye, old friend...

The Hotel Casey
1910-2001

...A website? Oh yeah, I had one of those sitting around someplace...

Look, Ma! An actual quasi-update! Wheeee!

Uhh, yeah. So anyway, I figured that, since I haven't really updated this site since... ohh... 1963, I might as well put up one of these handy-dandy Blogger thingamawhoozits so I can at least have some new content up once in a while. It probably won't be very interesting new content, but at least it's using an HTML verson above 0.03. Not like you really care all that much, anyway. You probably just accidentally wandered onto this site while searching for pictures of a landfill to use in a slide show about recycling for some university public speaking class. Admit it. That's how everybody gets here. Hell, that's how I got here.

So hopefully, I'll at least be updating this thing more than just once a year. Probably not, but it's worth a shot.

Boosh!